An Honest
Exploration
Let me
begin by writing that of all the people in the world, I am the least qualified
to speak about togetherness! I have aced the art of separation, created vast
spaces and impenetrable walls against all my partners with unsurpassable ease.
To remain in a consummated relationship for a great length of time has been the
most difficult task for me. I think it has something big to do with being
honest (or as honest as possible!) to myself and the other, and expecting the
same in return. But more on this later.
However,
having bought into the (perhaps social) expectation of togetherness, the idea
of how relationships evolve (as opposed to dissolve explored in an earlier
post,
The Seven Degrees of Separation), thoughts of its various stages have been plaguing me. Here is a
tentative but honest exploration of how people come together and sometimes stay
together….
Chemistry: Stage one is more about chemistry
than anything else. This applies not only to romantic relationships but often
to friendships as well. The chemistry between people (pheromones or something
like that?) predefines just how close they will get to each other. Otherwise
known as "attraction". The heart gives that extra hard kick when the person
enters the room. The stomach churns in more extreme cases! Excitement pervades
when the caller ID on the phone displays his/her name. You hesitate to delete
texts because they are testimonies to these grand feelings. In toto, this is
indeed the Garden of Eden. You feel alive, look forward to the morning because
each day holds the promise of something fantastic waiting to happen to you.
On the
other hand, some people I have met are chemical junkies in the sense of really
needing the high of the early stages of a romance, repeatedly. These flitters
from flower to flower, fulfilling a deep-set need for the excitement brought on
by falling in love are often in love with the idea of being in love. For
others, attraction paves the way to the next stage.
Biology: Stage two involves physicality…. A
higher form of drug is involved here, oxytocin, that really, really, feel-good
chemical! Ah, the deep-felt pleasure of just holding someone in your arms! The
unparalleled joy of kissing… Allow me, though, to halt the narrative here and
not become more graphic than this: it is being posted on a child-safe blog… Let
your imagination supply the rest of the story.
Luckily
for the rapidly increasing world population, many are self-aware enough to stop
at Stage two and rewind and repeat from Stage one - albeit with a different
person. They ensure that protection is used during what I shall euphemistically
call "the act" so that they are not led or forced into the next
stage.
On the
other hand, this stage easily, and sometimes erroneously, slides into the next
stage, almost as though the next step to "the act" should be
co-habitation. Perhaps this sounds cynical. But it is not meant to be… really,
what happens is that Patriarchman strikes! "The act" can lead to
children, and that Very Evil Villain tries to ensure that paternity tests are
made redundant by tying the couple together and throwing them into a place they
are forced to share…. Hence, all the metaphors of bondage used for marriage -
tying the knot, deep bond, etc. The bangles women wear, the rings that both
genders sport, to the sindoor/bindi on the forehead - all symbols of bondage and branding
rendered necessary by the outdated institution of marriage spawned by
patriarchal ideals that sought and still seek to "keep it in the
family".
Geography: Stage three must involve
co-habitation for how else do you ensure that "your children are (really)
your children"?? (Apologies… this post is sounding more cynical with each
phrase. But bear with my exploration till I get to the later stages.) Biologically,
the human species has not evolved enough to be a single-partner animal and yet,
while we write "fidelity" into the marriage vows, we cleverly leave
out "honesty" in tacit acknowledgement of our basically wandering
attention spans. This is under the heading of "What S/he Doesn't Know,
Won't Hurt".
Then, of
course, there is fidelity and there is Fidelity. Is it really possible for one
person to never again be attracted to another person, that is, a person other
than the partner, till death do them part? And, if you feel an attraction,
entertain even the slightest fantasy about another, does the word still apply?
Perhaps there is only an exchange of looks, texts, words, even moments - all
platonic but underlined by attraction - so at which point do you deem that you
have crossed the line? Certainly "the act" is a no-no, but is a
fantasy not equally disloyal, a dream or a thought equally infidel?
Anyhow,
the act of co-habitation can be just as exciting as the two earlier stages -
building a dream home together, bringing children into the world. And if it
doesn't go off the rails, people do go onto the next stage to experience even
greater heights of togetherness.
Within
this beautiful togetherness await the seeds of separation, for sharing a space
can be one of the most difficult acts for some people. Especially small spaces
with little elbow room. I sometimes feel that earlier cultures had something right in that each person had a private space which did not essentially need to
be a shared living space. It is only when you have to share a space with
someone does compatibility play a larger-than-life role.
The
other, sometimes insurmountable, issue between couples is how to bring up their
children. Whether we wish to or not, most us replay the scripts our parents
wrote while parenting us. Children of liberal parents grow up to be accessible
and understanding. So, what if you become stuck in a co-parenting situation
with someone with the opposite views? Thunder
and lightning; enter three witches: Contention, Conflict and Combat. You
may be able to agree to disagree about what type of sofa upholstery to buy for
the drawing room. But rarely are people able to give up the idea of what they
think is best for their children.
History: Stage four, reached by many (in case
the picture emerging is too dismal) is a whole story written together with
shared experiences. So actually it is not just His-story or Her-story but
Their-story. This is possibly the greatest part of togetherness - to create
memories together, to live moments in which the deep sharing of joy enhances
the feeling, elevates it beyond the imaginable. Ah, those Kodak moments!
But once
more the greatest force of evil, Lord Incompatibility, vampire-like, sucks out
this potential joy. The possibilities of how shared experiences can fill lives
with pain need not be enumerated here.
Empathy: Stage five is akin to communion,
Maslow's third rung of needs, the need for intimacy. As my friend and mentor,
Dr Shelja Sen, described it recently (in differentiating between Sympathy and
Empathy), "empathy is when someone is sitting in a dark room and you are
willing to sit in the dark with him or her". Empathy is the stage
in which D-Needs intersect with B-Needs, elevating the relationship from just
sharing experiences to really sharing a life. Personally, I don't think it is
important to even co-habit to be able to get here. The connection is so strong
that it outstrips hurdles like time, distance, jobs and other everyday pressing
needs. Empathy does not need domesticity for its breeding grounds.
Curiously,
I have skipped stages 1 to 4 and gone straight to 5 with innumerable friends…
all platonic friendships. But I cannot lay claim to having had even a single
relationship that got to this stage. I have dated murderers, psychopaths and
saints, but not even with the best of souls can I feel that the relationship
got to a place of true intimacy. Perhaps this is the only reason I still
search… Maybe before I die I will be able to have one, just one, relationship
that doesn't go wrong and reaches the highest degree of togetherness. Or at
least this degree.
As you can see, the
cynical undertone disappears as the truly meaningful degree emerges. The first
four stages are wonderful to be in but I have never failed to wonder why people
mistake those for togetherness beyond proximity.
Fusion: One soul, one goal, honesty, trust,
empathy, respect, sharing, loving oneself as much as one loves the other… Stage
six is made of all this and more. When I write one goal I don't mean sharing a
venture (although that can certainly happen) but the peace that lives in those
spaces where conflict or fear have no place. Here is where honesty becomes the
foundation stone, with trust building the edifice using bricks of empathy and
respect. The sharing then comes completely from the heart and soul. Neither fears
that the other will misunderstand, judge or react to anything one says or does.
Sounds idealistic? Perhaps it is. But I know couples like this, I love and
admire their togetherness, I aspire to reach the same degree… And yet, the
essential idea here is the lack of fear, born from the fecundity of honesty and
trust that even if the other disagrees there is a safe space in which to find
common ground. Fusion.
Infinity: Forever. Not so much
happily-ever-after as being able to experience forever moments with the other.
My grandparents. Married at a very young age but completely in love and
besotted till the day she passed away, even beyond. I have seen the tenderness
in their eyes for each other. Both on different sides of the bed with me in
between, reading quietly, separate books but as one…
And even
without having had a single successful relationship, I know what this can feel
like. Lying in a bed holding each other with just the moonlight for cover.
Leaning against a tree, both staring out at a gentle river, breathing in the
quiet of a pine forest. Walking through the Ridge, crunching the gravel
underfoot, softly talking about everything under the sun. A gentle hand drawing
in another to fulfil a promise made…. Yes, very few times and with vast gaps in
between, I have experienced Forever, albeit fleetingly.
I know
why the caged soul sings, calling out, yearning, longing for Infinity.
